and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
