Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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