I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
