That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize