i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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