I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize