o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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