I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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