I hate your face
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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