Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
