I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
