i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
