i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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