Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
