I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
