The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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