If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All the doctor said was why
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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