I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize