Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
