My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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