Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My dick has a subreddit
Randomize
