Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
