Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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