I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
