Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
