Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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