I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
soo... how was my night?
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