She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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