Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
