y did u give ur computer a hand job?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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