I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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