when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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