The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
