In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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