Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
cat food counts as protein by the way
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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