But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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