two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
