Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
