i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
