No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
As shirtless as possible
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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