my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
