i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
