I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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