I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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