tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize