Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up under a house in Key West
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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