I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
