My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
