just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
