I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
