Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
