also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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