"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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