It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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