Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
