My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize