Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
