there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
