Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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