The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
