he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
