mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
